One of the things that Alan and I are learning about Connor at age 5 is how much talking he likes to do and how distracted he gets. Sure, we noticed how much he talked before. But now with visitors popping in, neighbors chatting on the streets, grownups having long cups of tea or dinners, we're really learning that he can't keep on talking all the time. He's gotta take a backseat for a while and let the grownups chat. And this is how I have come to understand the meaning behind the saying "Children should be seen, not heard."
It's not that children here aren't allowed to be children. People here love children. And all in all, I'd say that parents here don't micromanage their kids. But all that tea has everyone talking to each other. If I run into the neighbors outside, it could be half an hour before we go on our way again. And for that time, children here have learned they must wait it out. Patiently. Quietly.
It's most obvious to me in the little shopping center near our house. Children are in strollers sitting idly in the shops or outside on the sidewalk while their parents talk, talk, talk. Mothers chat over tea in the local cafe while their children (toddlers no less!) sit next to them and occupy themselves quietly. I'm constantly amazed at how the women are never distracted by their children. They never even turn their heads to see what the toddlers are up to. They have no need, really. The children are quietly minding their business. So the girlfriends actually have in-depth, uninterrupted conversations with each other.
In schools here, 4 and 5 year-olds are expected to sit at their desks or tables during their entire day. (They do have recess here, and they are definitely encouraged to run and play.) In Connor's class they don't have circle time or any learning activities which involve standing at the board, or moving about the room. They are told to sit and listen. Sure, it's what Americans would consider old-fashioned, but I see the value in it, too. Children do need to learn how to sit still and be quiet.
It's true that when I'm out and about, I've seen children whine occasionally, "Let'ssss Gooo!!!" but their parents ignore them. It's like they can't hear them. And not just their parents, the other adults they're chatting with are "deaf", too. One time, while talking to our neighbors Connor was particularly anxious to get home. He was (politely) interrupting a lot. So, the neighbor did eventually turn to Connor and say, "Just wait now, we need to talk." That was great. I needed the support, and it worked. Connor was quiet (albeit hiding behind a tree).
On the other hand, I have seen and heard a fair share of temper tantrums. The children aren't all perfect all the time. Whew! That's a relief. Actually, it seems to me that the children here generally have more temper tantrums that the children in Buenos Aires. I remember there that the children were like little grownups. In fact, I remember wondering if children were ever gregarious or precocious in Buenos Aires. They never seemed to be "giving out" to their parents. ("Giving out" is a Dublin phrase for fussiness or complaining.) Hopefully, we'll be going back to Buenos Aires someday so we can do a more thorough comparison. ;)
I think that back in the States, you just don't see this as much. The sheer volume of children out with their parents doesn't happen back home. And we don't see our neighbors as often, do we? We might see them on the street, but how often to we actually stop and chat for a good while? I saw my neighbors all the time, but I saw them as we were coming and going. We'd wave to each other in our cars.
Or we'd plan a time we could get together. Americans are so good for organizing plans. But those chats were always in the house, where the kids could have all their toys to occupy them. Before I left, I wouldn't dare bring Connor out for a lunch date with a girlfriend. (How could I get some peace?) But I think I should have. Connor would have learned how to behave, and I wouldn't be deprived of seeing friends, waiting for a time we'd all have childcare.
Maybe I didn't want to bring Connor out to restaurants because in the States it seems like other people just don't tune out kids very well. I think people get annoyed by children's noises back in the States. Or maybe we expect less of our children. Maybe we say to ourselves, "They're only 2 (or 3, 4, 5...), we can't expect them to sit still and behave." Maybe our teachers think "Learning should be fun" and come up with lessons they think 5 years olds can "handle". And I think there's some truth to all that.
But it's a catch 22, isn't it? If we don't bring our kids out, how are they going to learn they have to be quiet and let the grownups talk? If you don't tell them to sit at their desks and pay attention, when will they learn how? You can't teach proper behavior in a vacuum.
Connor's always polite, saying "Excuse me" every single time he wants to say something. (With him, that's a lot.) But really, he needs to wait sometimes. Grownups come first. And things aren't fun and exciting all the time, are they? Children need to learn how to handle boredom, sit still, and patiently wait. And by so learning, I chance to reap the rewards. These are valuable lessons for both him and me.
This summer, when he's off school, I am going to try and bring Connor along to more places I want to go. Out with friends. Over to my cousin's house (even if she does have two toddlers that Connor doesn't handle very well). On long car drives to cool places in the country we'll all enjoy. Maybe I won't just enroll him in tons of activities to have someone else keep him occupied all the time. Maybe I'll go for it. Old-school style.
